2010 - a quick wrap up of some things I did,said, thought

Got in a fight with a 14 year old girl

Got in a fight with 14 year old girl's mother

Berated myself for being a hot head - spent a good portion of the year working on this. I made great strides, trust me, I did.

Cracked my front bumper on the tire of another car and left the scene in a panic ( I did a similar thing in the winter of '09 with the back bumper, except for that involved a mailbox. Oh, and children who did not belong to me were in the car -oops!)

Went back to the scene and waited for the driver of the other car (which was not damaged) to come out of store. Driver didn't care and didn't even feel bad for parking like a jerk, which is the whole reason I cracked my bumper in the first place (nothing is ever my fault, obviously) - left the scene in a furious rage but didn't yell at anyone

Promised Greg I would stop hitting things with my car and leaving the scene.

Made it through the rest of the year without hitting anything. I feel I may be due.

Lost and gained the same five pounds at least five or six time

Did not lose all of my baby weight

Laid in bed for several hours (over the course of 12 months) and wondered why God was punishing me by keeping me fat.

Painted my kitchen cabinets, but only once this year, which is an improvement over past years.

Rearranged my living room at least eight times - and after each time told Greg, "that's it, I finally like it, no really."

Read a lot. Some good, some bad. Highlight - rereading Pride and Prejudice after not reading it since I was pregnant with Jane. Lowlight - reading a dreadful book called How to Change your Husband in which I realized the book was really about how everything bad that ever happened in the history of the world (and my life) is the fault of women (and me) and I was the one who needed to change. I'm not a big fan of trick titles.

Told Greg only twice that we should move. This is the least amount of time I have spent on this topic in years. Decided I like it here - I like it a lot

Volunteered at a local food storage facility that sends the food to local food pantries. We did this so that we could get free tickets to Disney. We almost used the tickets a few weeks ago but had last minute change of plans and never ended up going. When my kids complained about this I reminded them that this made us better people than all the other people who volunteered just for free tickets. An older child was quick to point out that this was the exact reason we volunteered in the first place. The important thing is we sorted boxes upon boxes of unhealthy food and learned that all that junk food that doesn't get eaten in stores goes to poor people which ended up making us sad. Realized that we should only volunteer at places that made us feel happy.

Spent countless hours in Starbucks talking with good friends and laughing until it hurt and suddenly understood why my mother used to spend so much time doing the same thing with her friends.

Enjoyed every last minute of my trip to NY and Philly. I'll leave Vermont out of that equation. Still scarred by the filth - and some other things.

You may not be able to tell after reading this particular post, but I have had a fabulous year. Here's to hoping 2011 is just as swell - for me and for you.

Thankful, thank you, thanksgiving, just all arounds thanks

As many of you may already know, Thanksgiving is this week. I love Thanksgiving and in honor of that holiday I would like to say what I am thankful for.

First off, I am thankful that I just convinced my son not to make me homemade body lotion. I have no idea what it was going to entail, but I have a sneaking suspicion I would have broken out into hives if forced to wear it.

Honestly though, what I am really thankful for is everything. Really, all of it - for the good, the bad, the regrettable, the messy, the humorous, the ugly, the beautiful, the bitter and the sweet. I know you find this hard to believe because my blog consists mostly of tales in which I complain and lament and make sarcastic remarks about people and events and places, and where I don't seem to take anything seriously, but this blog is a only tiny little morsel of my life. I use it as an escape and a therapy, in lieu of smoking crack or drinking large quantities of booze and what I say here should never be taken as a pure and complete representation of the kind of person I am, unless of course this blog has left you with the notion that I am incredible. Then by all means, go ahead and continue believing that. Truly though, I am thankful for everything and I hope I remember to say that at least once a day, but preferably a little more.

"If thank you is the only prayer you ever say, it will have been enough." 13th century mystic, Meister Eckhart -

WARNING - This post could be a waste of your time

There was a very interesting article in the New York Post last week. Honestly, all the articles in the New York Post are interesting, even the ones that are true. Anyway, a college professor somewhere out in the middle of the country conducted an experiment in which he ate nothing but things like chips and Twinkies and donuts for a full thirty days. He kept his calorie count to 1800 calories a day and lost twenty pounds. His good cholesterol improved, his bad went down, and he feels great. I don't think I really need to waste my time reading or researching anything more on the subject to persuade me that this diet regimen is tailor made for me.

I do think I need to print the article out and laminate it, so that I can pull it out when people start talking to me about health and nutrition. I get really bored when people discuss those things, so bored in fact that I usually become agitated, and the agitation leads to me wanting to locate the closest fast food restaurant and stuff my face with fatty foods and sugary beverages. Do you think this is a sign of immaturity?

It's not the topic of health that I find dull, it's the unsolicited relaying of it to me, as though I'm some sort of moron who can't find these things out on my own. I sound bitter, don't I? I know. I'm trying hard to work on this. The truth is, I am quite a pleasant person and hardly ever snap at anyone when I am annoyed with them (unless I can be absolutely sure of never seeing them again.) I usually just smile and nod my head and then call my trusted, loyal husband and tell him of my irritations. His sage advice is always the same - "Cut 'em outta your life, you don't need that nonsense." I don't follow this advice, of course, as it would lead to having no friends, but it is refreshing and makes me glad that I married a man and not a woman. Men are very to the point and direct. None of the nonsense of worrying and wondering about other's feelings and definitely no ruminating over whether people are mad at you. Just do what you have to do and move on.

Speaking of marrying men, I was talking to someone last week and you know how people sometimes say they married their best friend? Well, I've never said that. My best friend happens to be a woman named Sue and since neither one of us is a lesbian I could not, in good conscience, marry her. By the way, I have nothing against lesbians. They really don't bother me unless they hit on me, but I wouldn't get anymore annoyed with that than I would if a man hit on me (unless the man was Jon Hamm - yum, hamm - Jon Hamm!)

Relax, I'm joking and merely trying to amuse myself. I'm sure writing a post wherein I spend time trying to amuse myself by talking about how I lust after a certain man constitutes some sort of sin, but I'm covered there as I plan on going to Reconciliation over the weekend. By the way, I much prefer calling it Confession, but that is another topic for another post.

I guess the best friend thing is just a matter of semantics for me. My husband is my husband and my best friend is my best friend and I never thought much about it until the matter was brought up. I do think Greg deserves the title of best friend as he is the person who has most patiently endured living with me and all of my little irritations, plus he happens to know when I've had enough of something/somebody and always comes to my rescue just when I need it most. By rescue I mean he starts making jokes about the matter that no one else but me would find amusing. Isn't that is how you know someone is your best friend?

Now onto two very important matters, because frankly this post is starting to bore me, so I can only imagine what it is doing to my readers. Happy Birthday to my non-spousal best friend, Sue. And also, Happy 45th Anniversary to my parents, who never referred to one another as best friends, but who definitely continue to patiently endure each other.

How to have fun while talking about politics

Bill Clinton called me today. I was so excited. Well, it wasn't so much Bill Clinton as it was a recording of Bill Clinton in which he told me to vote for certain people. I am going to do just as he told me because if a former president of the US of A went out of his way to call me and tell me what to do, I am sure as heck going to do it. It's called respect people. I am nothing if not respectful. And try not to be too jealous of the fact that he didn't call you. I'm told he has a preference for girls with dark hair. And yes, I still think of myself as a girl.

The whole thing reminded of the time President Barack Obama called me, except for he wasn't the president yet and again it was just a recording, which was a real shame because I wanted to ask him if he truly was a socialist. I wasn't even sure what the word meant, but I knew a lot of people were telling me he was one and they seemed pretty upset about it and I was wondering if I should be upset about it too. I thought I could pin him down and have him tell me once and for all if this description of him was accurate, but he just rambled on and then he hung up on me. It almost made me not want to vote for him. Almost. But I thought he was cuter than the other guy so I really had no choice. Then I saw a picture of him with a cigarette dangling out of his mouth and I wanted to vote for him even more. I think the picture was meant to detract people from liking him, but it had the opposite effect on me. I've always been a sucker for a bad ass and he looked like one in that photo. I figured he was just the guy to keep us safe from all the evils of the world.

By the way, I'm still not completely sure what a socialist is, but I think it may it have something to do with being able to have fun at a party, like, "My best friend Sue is such a good socialist. Whenever we go out she is the life of the party!" If I am correct about this meaning, and I think I am, then I cannot figure out why people are having a problem with the whole thing. After all, we are constantly reading articles and hearing things on TV about how important it is to socialize and a have a big network of friends. People who are socialist live longer, happier lives, they are healthier than their unsocialist counterparts, and yet we have half the country upset about a socialist being in office and now they're going to send a message. Everyone who supported this socialist is going to be run out of office, so I guess we are going to have one miserable country on our hands. Well, if you are against having a good time, go ahead and vote for those fuddy duddies, but not me. I like socialistizing and having fun and I'm not ashamed to admit it.

Now after clicking on spellcheck I realize that socialistizing is not a word (although it should be) and I fear I may be confused about this whole thing, but the elections are just two days away, certainly not enough time to figure things out on my own, so I am going to just go ahead and stick to my original plan of voting for who Bill Clinton told me to vote for. Fingers crossed people. If the country goes to hell in a hand basket, don't blame me. I voted for the fun people.

Know thyself

I decided to do a health and wellness experiment this week to see if sugar really is as bad for you as all the "experts" claim, and I only decided to call it an experiment after it was all over, because that made me feel better than just admitting I'm a pig with no self control, which is closer to the truth.

I bought seven boxes of Black Crows last week and proceeded to eat two entire boxes within a matter of about twenty minutes. After consuming somewhere close to 2000 calories of pure sugar, I mysteriously got a throbbing headache and crushing stomach pains. I ended up spending a good portion of the afternoon alternating between running to the bathroom, laying on my bed sweating, lamenting my gluttony, and figuring out ways to keep my husband from knowing why I was feeling so lousy. I must have done something right because he was convinced it was my "allergies." Before it was all over a good twelve hours of my life had been wasted due to my overindulgence.

By the way, if you're wondering why I only bought seven boxes of Black Crows, it's because that's all that was left in the store. They were in the sale bin and were marked down to sixty four cents and the sign on them said, "last chance." I wasn't really sure if "last chance" meant that they would never be sold for that low, low price again (as opposed to the normal and much higher price of one dollar and forty nine cents), or if "last chance" meant they were no longer going to be sold at all. I feared the later may have been the case, as I'm quite sure I'm the only person alive who eats these little licorice flavored gum drops, and so I felt compelled to buy every available box. Before you judge me too harshly I do have a perfectly valid reason for behaving like this and once you hear it you'll understand my predicament.

Years ago, my little brother, who had just turned 25 and was not so little, was extremely sick and in the hospital. It was early November and so of course all the Christmas candy was out on the store shelfs. There was a CVS right across the street from the hospital, so every time I went to see Christopher I first made my way to CVS to pick up treats for myself. I really felt I deserved it as there is nothing quite so boring as sitting in a hospital room waiting for someone who is deathly ill to get better. I kid. My brother's room was actually quite a happening spot.

A particular candy company put out one of the best tasting treats ever that Christmas. They were a jellied candy with the perfect combination of vanilla and marshmallow flavoring and were softer and fresher than any other jellied candy I had ever tasted. Oh, and they didn't even get stuck in my teeth. During this particular holiday season, my sister (who appreciates sugar even more than me) and I snacked on this until we made ourselves sick, but back then my stomach was much stronger so even after making myself sick I could go back for more.

After several weeks, my brother got better, Christmas came and went, and so too did the marshmallow flavored jellied concoction. My sister and I had now gotten as attached to the candy as we would a person, so we were of course crushed about the season ending. We pined away and every once in awhile one of us would go to the store hoping to find a forgotten bag stuffed in back of the shelf. We finally resigned ourselves to the fact that we would have to wait for several months before indulging in these tasty treats again.

This story has a sad ending. The following Christmas came and went with no sign of the candy. We were crushed. There was talk of writing the company to find out what happened and even now, fifteen years since we last tasted them, we still mention them affectionately when talking about candy, which we do quite a bit. I'm sure someone is reading this and thinking I am exaggerating our obsession with this particular treat and candy in general, but that would only serve to prove that you don't know me or my sister too well.

When I saw those last seven boxes of Black Crows this past week, with the words "last chance" written on them, I panicked and thought back to that other candy that never was heard from again. I knew I was obligated to buy every box I could, just in case. I'm not sure I needed to eat two full boxes in a matter of minutes, but I have been known to be powerless in the face of temptation. Plus, I admit that I never really was fully on board with the whole, "sugar is evil," bandwagon that's been going around for the past couple of years. That's just other people's say so and I've always been the sort of girl who needs to learn things on her own. Now I can say with certainty, through my own experience and no one else's, that sugar is definitely brought to you by the devil.

I threw away the other five boxes of Black Crows that were stashed under my car seat, because honestly, as lousy as they made me feel, I know myself and there was no way I wasn't going to repeat the whole episode again if given the chance. And thankfully the garbage men came and took away the bin so there is no way I will rummage through the garbage can to pick them out, which I also know am not above.